


Fill My Head (With You)

by XV13



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bones revives Jim at the cost of his own health, Emotionally Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Getting Together, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, Hurt Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Hurt/Comfort, Jim calls him out on it, M/M, Mind Meld, Missing Scene, Post/During Star Trek: Into Darkness, Short-term Drug Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27477712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XV13/pseuds/XV13
Summary: Leonard McCoy collapses after working tirelessly to bring Jim back to life following Khan's destruction. The doctor is forced to confront the versions of reality he's been caught between for weeks, the destruction he has done to himself, and ultimately fight his way back to the (very much alive) Jim Kirk who is awaiting his arrival.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 119





	Fill My Head (With You)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first McKirk fanfic in three years, and to be honest it probably isn't super original in comparison to the large history of fics on this website that pre-date it. If you do happen to enjoy this, I encourage you to check out the other McKirk fic I wrote in 2017. Thank you for taking a chance on this piece, and happy reading!
> 
> The title was taken from the song Bloom by The Paper Kites, which is on my Spotify McKirk playlist and can be found here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4yrWqFYrx1MHX1abvi00NZ?si=8tOIJR4HRWSrCvx-YyNilQ

“Doctor McCoy?”

The voice rang the bells of familiarity in his head, but all Leonard could only grasp onto was the fact it belonged to a woman. Consciousness continuously slipped from his grip, though if he were being honest with himself, his grip on reality has been tumultuous at best for weeks now. Leonard’s mind and body were exhausted.

The ghost of a blonde haired beauty flashed at the edges of his vision, again.

Leonard couldn’t will the man into clarity. His eyes weren’t observing anything in their field of vision with proper acuity. The organ currently pulsating against his skull in rhythm with his frantic heartbeat was making it impossible to focus on anything other than the pain radiating throughout his body.

“His heart rate is plummeting, he’s becoming unresponsive,” the woman’s voice explained. _Was that Christine?_ “If his heart is giving out, we need to get him to a biobed and start him on ACE inhibitors now.”

“I don’t want to pump him with more drugs when I don’t know how many stims he’s taken.” M’Benga’s voice sounded exasperated to Leonard’s ears – a sound he’d grown used to hearing in his colleagues voices prior to everything going to shit. “We’ll need help to move him, but he could have hit his head in the fall. Call for backup.”

He had to admit, getting off the floor would be a nice reprieve. It also sounded a lot better than his current situation. Leonard would have moved himself long ago if he could still feel any of them limbs connected to his useless body. He was in the absence of free will as his brain disobeyed direct orders, and the chill of the hospital floor seemed to seep into his bones.

 _Bones_.

Oh, how he longed to hear that nickname again. The replication of Jim’s voice in his mind didn’t come close to a perfect mimic, not after all these weeks of silence.

Everything Leonard could still perceive, although blurry and limited through the slit of vision remaining, was tinged grey. His psychology degree barked at him that perhaps it was his own bias, rather than a reliable observation. Nothing had seemed particularly bright to Leonard for weeks now, especially not when he was continuously staring at either the ghostly pallor of Jim’s skin, or the unwavering statistics above the man. The vital signs coming from his Captain’s bedside had been a monotonous pattern with no change for weeks. Leonard genuinely couldn’t imagine what it might be like to see a steady heartbeat rhythm on the display.

Yet there it was. A single heartbeat.

Then another. Then another.

A cruel trick of the mind. It had to be. There was no way Leonard McCoy had actually cured death, not when he’d failed so many times before to protect the people he’s loved. This is just his brain’s way of hallucinating, giving him closure as his body functions failed. It was nothing more than a parting memory of what could have been.

He couldn’t felt the hands on his body wrestling him away from the floor next to Jim’s bedside. He couldn’t hear the worried voices shouting commands to retrieve the required hypos and a crash cart. He couldn’t smell the stench he’d be building up during weeks of devoted research, with little time for hygienic breaks. He couldn’t see beyond the darkness reaching out to envelop him.

The last senses he did possess were the memories of once was, time spent with Jim and his family, and the taste of metal in his mouth, serving as a final reminder that Leonard had literally worked himself to death to accomplish the impossible.

* * *

Leonard was on the Enterprise. He’d recognize the feel of these cotton Federation-issued sheets anywhere, and the pleasant hum of the engine purring just beyond his walls. It was a sound that used to instill him with fear. It served as a constant reminder of where he was, of the vortex swirling just outside the steel walls. During his short time on the ship, it grown to help condition Leonard into feeling safe. If the engine was healthy, the ship was safe. It quickly became a soothing white noise. Instead of fear, it reminded him of just how much he’d grown.

Sitting up, he rubbed at his irises, the space behind them feeling painfully sore. He must have recently gotten off of a long shift, perhaps one with a long surgery. Focusing for too long always gave him a headache like this, though he had to admit it felt stronger than the headaches he could remember having recently.

“Hey Bones.”

Within an instant, his body ceased to move, his fingertips still driving a light pressure onto his eyeballs as the circling motion was aborted. He’d know that voice anywhere. Leonard had been searching for the voice in every crowd since his early academy days. This voice guided him while cramming for exams, instructed flight patterns to him until Leonard was able to recite them calmly for himself, and the voice comforted him when his nana passed.

It was the voice of command, and often Leonard’s voice of reason.

Lowering his hands, Leonard is confronted with the sight of his Captain. Jim is sitting on Leonard’s bed in front of him, knees crossed, smile nonchalant. There is color blossoming across his cheekbones, there is a jitter in his joints even as he sits still. It is as familiar to Leonard as breathing to have Jim here like this. Yet, Leonard knows it makes no sense. If Jim is still braindead, and the Enterprise crashed in San Francisco - how are the both of them here?

“Am I…?”

“C’mon, like the world can kill the griping bastard named Leonard McCoy that easily,” Jim snorted, his expression suddenly sour. “Not even with you self-medicating like you were actively wanting to speed the process up.”

There it was. Out in the open. Leonard hung his head in shame. He’d lost count of how many stimulants he’d consumed in the weeks spent attempting to revive Jim. He knew it was at least enough dosages to become accustomed to the side effects it caused, and long enough to feel withdrawal effects when he wasn’t quick enough on the hypo trigger. The momentary highs rapidly grew shorter as his body learned to metabolize the drugs at a rapid rate.

“So that’s what this is, just another trip,” Leonard sighs. “I should’ve known. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve hallucinated your presence in these past weeks.”

The honesty felt good, freeing even. Ever since Jim showed up in Leonard’s medbay in a body bag, the doctor had been working tirelessly to bring him back. During that time, there was a version of Jim following Leonard around. Leonard typically perceived the ghost when he was staying up late in his quarters going over research and experiment trials, or when he was dosing himself with what he swore would be the last stim. The Jim trailing him around was non-responsive, and never moved the same as the live host it was impersonating. It would pop up in front of him when he would least expect it, or sometimes it would linger in the background as a glimmer at the corner of his vision while he worked.

After his six attempt at a viable serum had failed, Leonard had perceived the ghost as a reflection in the water. This particular hallucination had convinced Leonard of a simple fact. No matter how many hours he’d spend entertaining the delusions in his head, he could no longer recall the smaller details. He couldn’t remember the exactness of the mischievousness in those baby blue eyes, or the way the blond locks shimmered in the light. Leonard had bent towards the water in his quarter’s sink and reached out to touch in a desperate attempt to find connection, but the image had rippled until it faded away completely.

The most glaring difference between the ghost of Jim, and the Jim in front of him now, was the voice. The vocal pattern slowly slipping from Leonard’s memory as the apparition remained silent made the sound in front of him seem all the more jarring now.

“Not quite, my friend. You’ve been off the stims for almost two weeks now, but the doctors are still working to repair the damage you did to yourself.”

Leonard perked quizzically at this. Two weeks? Sure, his medical knowledge was able to fill in some of the gaps, but it seemed extreme. “Then…I don’t understand. How are you here? How am I here?”

“We’re in your mind, Bones. Courtesy of the pointy-eared goblin you love to scorn.”

A mind meld. Well, that solution presented itself with a number of answers, but it also raised more questions. “Jim, for you to be here – really here – you’d have to be-”

“Alive.”

The smile on Jim’s face was infectious. Leonard couldn’t stop an identical smile from breaking across his own lips. “Alive? Don’t you dare lie to me-”

“Scouts Honor,” Jim promised, raising his left hand. “You really did it, Bones. Hell, I’m starting to think you could cure a rainy day.”

It was incredible. Leonard pulled back the covers and placed his feet on the hard flooring of his quarters. Running a hand through his hair, he stood to pace. There would soon be another groove worn into the spot he’d been pacing in for years, if only present when he recalled this space in his mind. It was a lot to process. Leonard had actually accomplished the impossible, and he felt as though he couldn’t be still.

“The serum worked?”

“Like a charm. Though between you and I - I’d think I’m currently healthier than you are, old man. And I’m the one who spent a month in a cryotube. Seriously though, physically and mentally I have a clean bill of health. I’m not as strong as I once was, but it is nothing some strength training can’t fix. Right now, we need to focus on getting you feeling better.”

“What happened? My memory…it’s fuzzy around the edges.”

Jim suddenly looked uncomfortable. It was an odd look on the man, and didn’t instill a lot of confidence in the doctor.

“About an hour after you gave me the serum, I started showing my first vital signs. Our working theory is your excitement caused your body to go into shock, which wasn’t a large jump when the stimulants in your system were already elevating your heart rate. You collapsed, eventually went into cardiac arrest. They managed to get you back after you coded, but it has been a battle since,” Jim explained.

It sounded detached in a way that made Leonard’s eyebrows raise. It was a tone Jim usually reserved for diplomatic conversations. Either Jim wasn’t telling the entire truth, or he was downplaying it. Quite possibly, worst of all, Jim could be trying to emotionally detach himself from the words he felt obligated to say in the light of Leonard’s question.

“Bones, the level of stimulants you were using, and your lack of care for your own well-being slowly damaged almost every organ in your body. And you’ve been having seizures, each causing a setback in your overall recovery…and…and the doctor’s aren’t sure…”

Jim seemed to choke, his shoulders slumping. Like it always was between them from the moment they had met, Leonard already knew what Jim was saying without him having to say it.

“Guess that explains the headache,” Leonard joked.

Jim didn’t laugh.

A heavy silence fell over the two men for a moment, the weight of seriousness on both of their shoulders.

“Why are you really here, Jim?”

All Leonard had wanted for weeks was to see Jim’s blue eyes, focused and alight with life, and staring into his own once again. But as Jim’s glossy stare met his own, Leonard regretted every decision he’d made to cause Jim such pain.

Well…almost every action. He didn’t think he could ever apologize in a thousand lifetimes for bringing Jim back to life.

“To bring you home, Bones. Home to your crew, your family…to me. It was the only…only thing left to try.” Jim stuttered, forcibly breathing past the visible lump in his throat. “And you know me, I won’t settle for a no-win scenario.”

Leonard attempted a small smile, despite the direness of it all. “Well, I’m clarifying right now. I ain’t no damsel in distress in need of saving…but…it also wouldn’t be a lie to say that I don’t know how to come home to you, Jim…” Leonard faulted, an unexpected emotion emerging from deep within his chest. It felt foreign, it wasn’t typically a feeling he associated with Jim’s presence. Sure, there was always an aura of exasperation at the man’s antics, but this was more sinister. It flared within him, all consuming. He guessed if there was ever a time for honesty, it was now. “…especially when I’m still so mad at you.”

Jim was stunned into a momentary silence. He stared unerringly into Leonard’s eyes, reading him. Leonard knew all too well Jim was looking for the problem and the solution all at once. It was the problem-solving mindset that made Jim so endearing, the way he knew he could solve anything if he looked at it from numerous perspectives. There was never confusion on his face, just the gaze of deductive reasoning. If given enough time, Jim could read anyone like he had cheat-sheet in front of him listing every emotion the person ever experienced.

“I know you want to ask, Bones. It’s okay. Say it.”

Leonard had always been a man who chose his words carefully; however, Jim’s permission released a floodgate. There was no holding anything back, no careful planning, no rephrasing. “Why’d you do it, Jim?”

Despite giving permission, Jim sighed. He uncrossed his legs and swung them over the side of the bed. Resting his elbows on his knees, he bowed his head. “There was no other way, Bones. You know that. If there was, I would have found it-”

“Would you have?” Leonard countered angrily, not intending to raise his voice at Jim. He never has, but in all the times Leonard has ever felt broken in his lifetime, it has never felt as consuming as this brokenness. There was so much rage clawing at his heart, he couldn’t have stopped it with an entire cavalry. “Because from the moment I met you, you’ve always seemed to have a death-wish of dying like a martyr. God forbid you give a second thought to those you’d be leaving behind-”

“You were all I was thinking about, Bones!” Jim practically screams back, abruptly standing from the bed. His breaths blew sharply out of his nose, a sound Leonard was conflicted to hear. He didn’t want to make Jim angry, but it was another subtle reminder the man was alive.

Raking a hand through his hair, and still breathing heavily through his nose, Jim slowly lowers himself on the bed. Lowering his register, he continues. “All I could think about was you, Bones. I knew you couldn’t lose any more family, and I’d like to think we’re family. If I didn’t take the only option in front of me, the Enterprise would have burned up on re-entry and Khan would have destroyed the Federation. There would have been no more chances for you to see Joanna, because both of you would more than likely be dead.

“Even if the only threat to worry about was our own survival and the ships integrity, assuming we’d found a way to defeat Khan and save the city - the simple fact is the world can go on without Jim Kirk. But I couldn’t let Sulu never see his husband and son again, or tear Pavel away from his parents so young. I couldn’t let Scotty down a second time, or force Uhura to prematurely reunite with the classmates killed in Nero’s raid. I couldn’t let Spock, one of the last of his kind, take such an unnecessary risk…”

Jim paused. A single tear rolled down his cheek. “I know what it feels like to grow up without any sort of parental figure. I couldn’t doom Joanna to the same fate. And above all, I couldn’t let the only person who ever believed in me - even at my worst - perish a death among the stars when he fought so hard to overcome his fear and find beauty in them. In my last moments, you were all I could think about. There was nothing I would’ve given to see your face again, to hear you gripe at me…or to tell you how I really felt.”

If Leonard wasn’t already completely enamored in the tale Jim was weaving, there was no missing the way that single sentence drew his undivided attention.

“I had to think about the needs of the many, Bones. This was one time I couldn’t afford to be selfish, I couldn’t afford to make the wrong decision. Not with so many lives on the line. That’s not what a Captain does. That’s not who I am.”

Leonard uncrosses his arms, and stops clenching his jaw – because Jim has a point. He spins one final pace before he sits on the bed cautiously next to Jim. They were shoulder and shoulder, and knee to knee, and the contact released some of the tension around his heart.

“Your right, Jim. You did the right thing, you always do. And you wouldn’t be the man I love if you acted any differently.”

Jim’s mouth fell open, lips stammering around words he couldn’t properly formulate. It was if Jim couldn’t accept an apology even after justifying his actions with proper logic. Leonard shushed him.

“Let me finish, Jim. If you hadn’t been acting in the best interests of your entire crew, you wouldn’t be the Jim Kirk I know. As your CMO, it isn’t the easiest thing for me to accept, even after our first couple years together. I guess I’m not mad at the decision you made, Jim. I’m angry at the unwavering fact that I made the choice, even as a doctor, to fall in love with a man with no self-preservation instinct. We’re always going to butt heads on this, at least for as long as I have to patch your ass up following every mission. But the one thing I don’t want to have in my life is regrets. I can assure you the majority of my anger is stemming from the immense regret I felt when they brought me your body, and I realized I never got the chance to tell you how much you mean to me-”

“I knew.”

Bones let his eyebrow creep upwards, and Jim began to laugh. “Didn’t I say not to interrupt me? I’m in the middle of my soliloquy and you think now is the time to have the last word?”

“Bones, I knew. I always knew.”

It was Bones turn to feel stunned. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“You were recently divorced - from a woman I might add - and you told me you had sworn off love. I thought it was a losing battle, so I closed myself off from the possibility. I tried to push the feelings I had for you aside. It never worked, but I couldn’t chance losing the only person who had ever stayed on a whim. As time passed, I knew what we had wasn’t just friendship. I knew there was a serious chance you felt the same as I did, but like I said, I couldn’t risk it.”

Jim reached for Leonard’s hand. The skin was rough and calloused, but so was Leonard’s own. It was a reflection of their individual hardships and dedications, uniting in shared understanding. Each of them had their flaws, but they’d always been able to overcome them together. The image of their hands filled Leonard with a warmth too satisfying to truly describe.

“This is real? It isn’t just my imagination?”

Jim brought their conjoined hands closer to his face. He flipped Bones palm down, and with a feather light pressure, ghosted his lips on the dorsal region of Leonard’s hand. “It can be as real as you want it to be, Bones. So why don’t you start fighting, wake up, and find out for yourself?”

A painful shudder ran down Leonard’s spine, a harsh reminder of the pain he’d been tuning out. The pain he’d have to face to come back to Jim. It was like this fantasy was a temporary reprieve, and Leonard didn’t know how to tip the scales back in his favor.

“How do I do that, Jim?”

“Spock and I can help you temporarily dull the pain, but only slightly. If we walk out of your quarters together, it will be the first step. From there, we can teach you how to build a mental block against the pain, which can help your recovery in real time. But we need to hurry, we’re running out of time. Spock and I knew this much brain activity was already going to risk causing another seizure.”

“You tell me this now? We could have saved the love declarations and confessions for later if that was the case, Jim.”

Jim smiled and shook his head as he pulled on their hands. They moved quickly towards the automatic door. “I’ll admit, it wasn’t in the original plan. But if you needed incentive, you got it. And if you need more, just think about how good kissing me is going to feel when you are back.”

“Jesus, Jim. If I’m supposed to focus, you need to stop distracting me.”

* * *

When the door to Leonard’s quarters opened, he was greeted to the sight of Spock. The Vulcan looked relatively pleased to see him, though Leonard was admittedly guessing. Their first couple years as senior ranking officers had let him read the Vulcan better than he was able to at the start, but there was still a degree of emotional impartiality that flustered Leonard.

Behind Spock was a vast space of darkness, a space within his mind. From there, it didn’t take long for the Vulcan and Jim to teach him how to build mental walls to protect himself – which was good, considering it also didn’t take long for the two men to begin fading away. Time was running out, and the pain was creeping in. This was Leonard’s battle now. It was a grave only he could dig himself out of.

If he could just give his mind and body the time it needed to heal, Leonard had a fighting chance of returning to the living.

“You can do this, Bones,” Jim reassured, though Leonard could no longer feel the weight of the Captain’s hand in his own.

“By my calculations, you do have a high probability of success. I am confident in your abilities, Doctor McCoy,” Spock explained.

He couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice, despite the kind comment. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

Jim shook his head. “Don’t be like that. Believe in yourself, and come home.”

The men eventually faded away, leaving Leonard to fight against the remainder of the pain, giving his body and mind the time and ability to heal.

* * *

Every recent memory Leonard could pull from as he finally awoke felt uncertain. It was a process the doctor was familiar with, often being forced to reconcile with the meaning of reality following most _Enterprise_ missions.

Had he really done it? Was he really awake? Was Jim really alive?

There was only one way to find out.

An involuntary groan broke across his perched lips as he forced his body to operate under his command once more.

“Bones?”

Leonard breathed through his nose, feeling woozy. He would have found it in himself to be annoyed, if the stomach churning feeling wasn’t another neon sign working in tandem with Jim’s voice to indicate he’s made it.

The urgency to encounter the results of all his hard work outweighed everything else. It wasn’t in vain, because when he peeled his eyes open, Leonard was greeted to the sight of that mega-watt smile from Jim.

Jim, who was alive and well, and staring at Leonard with fresh tears of joy in his eyes. Leonard could only think about how much he wanted to wake up to the sight of Jim all the time - and that if Jim would let him, Leonard would ensure to love him more everyday than the last.

“Jim? Is this-”

“It’s real, Bones.”

Jim kissed him fervently, and Leonard knew he would live out the rest of his life without regrets, as long as Leonard had his sunshine by his side.


End file.
